The Marks Left Behind

by Nicole Geiger

Sexual assault is one of the most horrific kinds of sin. Though common, the marks left behind for the victim to carry feel particularly ugly. Both in a culture that values purity, and in one that sees sexuality as a choice, stripping a person of the decision to consent leaves deep scars. There’s nothing more personal than one’s body and deciding with whom to share it. Whether you believe in saving yourself for a spouse or the freedom to choose, any unwanted touch, words spoken, or forcing of any kind causes horrific harm.

Mary DeMuth’s book, Not Marked, tells her own story of innocence being stripped away. She shares how it affected the rest of her life, as it does with any assault victim. It changed her relationship with trust and intimacy, something that seems to come easily to others. She describes the weight of trauma on the shoulders of a woman who walked through life with no one believing her. 

Teaching abstinence without addressing sexual abuse can cause immeasurable damage. While saving yourself is admirable, I rarely hear people speak on the agony of feeling like you have failed in that task.

In middle school I went to a girls’ Bible study before class. The leader taught on purity and brought in a wedding dress from the 80’s. She displayed it on a mannequin and placed black duct tape on the sensitive areas of the white dress. She explained that this was an example of what happens when you allow a man to touch you. I remember vividly how she ripped the tape off. I watched as beads and rhinestones tore from thread and scattered around the room. “You lose value,” she said. “Who would buy this dress? No one. It holds no value after being ruined. Who would want to marry you when you’ve already given away everything you have?”

I was thirteen and had already been assaulted. Men often spoke to me as if they owned me. As a young woman, the teachings I received focused on how not to tempt men, keeping them on the right path. Virginity was a gift for my husband, and if I did not have that to offer, I had no chance of a good or biblical marriage. Nobody mentioned what happened to my purity if the choice was not my own. I had to assume it did not remain intact.

I always heard rapists were the lowest of the low, the worst kind of person, monsters among men. In reality, they are frequently someone you know and trust.

As I grew older and saw victims speak of their abuse, I began hearing people blame those preyed upon. What were you wearing? Did you flirt with him? Why would you put yourself in that position? If you were drunk, how can you be sure you didn’t want it? What did you expect to happen?  Men are driven by lust; you cannot expect them to control themselves. Don’t ruin his life over your mistake, your miscalculation.

I couldn’t make sense of it. How had I enticed a man as a child? What could I have possibly done to tempt him? So, I fled into myself. I saw it reinforced again and again that I had no value, I wasn’t pure enough. I failed at the one job given to me. The crime committed against me when I was little more than a toddler had deemed me dirty, unworthy.

Feeling as if I already lost the prize of purity, I began to believe I deserved mistreatment as I grew older.  Why should my “No” be respected if there was already a stain on my soul? What was one more? Who would believe that I woke up to a close friend taking me after I had gone to bed? Who would care that a man I once trusted mocked me as I pleaded for him to just let me go home? What did it matter that I pretended to sleep while he groped me and pleasured himself? At least he didn’t rape me.

It was not that I didn’t speak up. It was not that I didn’t tell people. It was simply my fault. 

It was somehow up to me to take on the responsibility of men who trudged through my protests as if they were harsh terrain, an inconvenience, determined to get to their destination.

I am but one in a group of many who carry the violation of unwanted desire. How does one begin to heal from that burden of blame?

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Mary’s book is not one of hopelessness, but of healing. With honesty and transparency, she walks with you through the memories clouded with horror. She describes the loss of self and the feelings of failure. Mary is candid about her struggle with God and seeking the answers to how he could let this happen. She guides the way to forgiveness of those who harmed you, even if you don’t feel they deserve it.

Mary gives permission to feel broken. She explains the steps you must take to allow the Lord to help you heal. She makes sure you don’t feel alone. She emphasizes that the victim is not at fault. No one is charged with the crimes committed against them. There is no stain on a soul against whom sin was committed. Mary’s book provides a much-needed beacon of hope in a sea of pain.

In addition to Not Marked, Mary offers several other books on the topic of sexual abuse. Her books are available on Amazon. In her recently published book, We Too, Mary dives deeper into our “unspoken crisis”. She consistently guides the way to healing and teaches the church how to support victims. She lovingly points out how we have been failing such a large group, not only in our congregations, but in the world. To love like Christ we must open our arms and throw out our judgments. We must make the church a safe place for the vulnerable.

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In the United States someone is assaulted every sixty-eight seconds. On average one out of six women experience rape, or attempted assault. While it is less likely, one in thirty-three men are also victims (https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence).